Sibling Rivalry

Sibling Rivalry-a competition between brothers and sisters-is, not a comfortable term coming from any parent. Matter of fact, it is the bane of every parent’s existence. When pregnant with a second or consecutive child, we spend countless hours in a dream world of how we envision our perfect little family. Even those that grew up with sibling squabbles or still have some today will find themselves thinking, “that won’t be my family.” Seriously, don’t we all think we can raise better kids than that? Or, you may be thinking that your parents didn’t handle the rivalry the way you did and therefore escalated the situation. Always the parents’ fault. Worse yet, could be the parent that still believes his or her sibling is “the favorite.” I’m sure he/she thinks they would NEVER do that to their kids.

I grew up in a small Irish Catholic community where large families were the norm. I can only remember one other “only” child in the area. Most of the families had 5-9 children, but even the ones with 2 or 3 appeared to have some tension going on. Of course, I couldn’t relate, so I would beg my friends to stop the arguments and get along. Always asking why they hate their kin so much or how they could be so mean. I mainly took offense to them, wishing they could be an “only” child. All of my life, I wanted for a sibling to have that bond with, so to me, these kids didn’t realize how good they had it. While I, of course, didn’t understand what it was like to share everything, including the parents’ attention. The grass does look greener on the other side.

Fast forward to my life with seven children, and I’m thrust into a world of sibling rivalry. I have learned that there is no magic, special potion, curse, spell, or otherwise to MAKE my children get along; with each other or with myself. Nor is there a way to prove your love for each child is as individual as each snowflake. That there are no favorites. Maybe there are times as a parent that you are getting along better with one over another, but you don’t love them anymore. It’s just different, as is each personality in the family.

Useful Suggestions for All

Since I am no expert, read more about why here. I will share a few tips for ways to help diffuse the situation. Hopefully, some or all will give you reprieve from the commotion going on in the next room. Don’t let sibling rivalry bring you down to their level. What those cherub children are doing- purposeful or not- is trying to make you choose between them. Whose side you take, equates to who you love more, in a child’s mind.

• Avoid branding-we are all guilty of this. Each family has its jester, geek, smartypants, jock, introverted, extroverted, etc. Don’t compare or put each kid in a box.
• Don’t take sides-I know it’s difficult at times, but showing neutrality can keep the peace.
• Lead by example– be the person you want your children to be in struggle.
• Teach conflict resolution– if you must, learn about it yourself and model it.
• Make sure each child has a space of their own to retreat to- who doesn’t need time to themselves? Honor your children’s needs too.
• Arrange for a particular time alone with parents– kids thrive on special time with each parent. Celebrate their uniqueness and let them lead the way.
• Stay fair but equal based on age- the younger one has to understand that the older one has more privileges based on maturity/age. It’s not about fairness in certain instances.
• Listen, no REALLY listen- stop what you are doing and give 100% of your time and attention to the child in distress. Look them in the eyes! Even if they are wrong, they need to know you HEARD them too.
• Plan family activities together- when children see everyone getting along and playing fair together, you set the stage for their next rivalry. They will remember the good feelings they had when playing cards or at the park last time, helping to minimize the hard feelings.
• When they’ve put down someone, they need to give a positive attribute about that person-no one likes to get insulted, least of all a child. It’s hurtful at every age, and children need to hear that they are good too.
• Remember H.A.L.T. when determining the cause of conflict- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If any of these are happening, try to fix it first. Getting to the bottom of the feelings can diffuse a more significant problem.

Older Children Tips

It’s probably harder to watch or listen to your older children duke it out as they get beyond the 10-year-old stage. Worse is when they’re adults. The older they get, the better at hurting each other, purposeful or not. Maybe they’ve learned some fighting etiquette through childhood, but try taming the hormones of a preteen or teen. It can get ugly fast. Impulse control is not fixable until the mid-twenties. That’s a lot of years to help them tame their passions in the heat of the moment. Remember, as they get older, they have more alone time, and you may not be there to keep it civil. It’s ok, somehow all of my friends and their siblings are still alive today. Despite my angst of the sibling rivalry, they all learned to love each other at some point.

While still using the tips above, incorporate a FAMILY MEETING! Start with a well thought out agenda. Have issues, concerns, interests, and events to discuss ready. Determine the priorities, clarify the problems with the most effective solutions, and how to implement the solutions. Depending on age and circumstances, try to incorporate one fun, family activity per week/month/quarter. If children are moved out but close enough, try to meet up somewhere or have a family dinner-game-movie, etc. after the meeting. Always discuss the meeting rules before getting started!

• Give each individual a chance to talk (not yell), one at a time!
• Make sure they know it’s a safe place to share their feelings.
• Everyone must listen (no snarky comments, or sounds in the corner).
• Absolutely no put-downs- this is the place to teach them some tact in sharing their feelings.

Benefits of Sibling Rivalry

Believe it or not, sibling rivalry prepares them for the adult world. There are benefits to having siblings to argue with besides learning how to fistfight better. Honestly, the adult world can get grisly, and if there is a way to make the transition from child to adult a little easier than bring on the younger squabbles. Here are a few perks:

• Teaches negotiation.
• Teaches problem-solving.
• How to understand the world, people in general.
• On the job training working and living with others.
• How to handle strong emotions like anger, envy, and hatred.

As an only child, I can’t fully relate, but as a parent of many and having lived in a variety of situations, I can feel the distress sibling rivalry brings to the table. Does this mean as a parent of one, that you should never have another? Quite the contrary, by giving your little one a sibling and teaching your children throughout their lives that they are not the center of the universe, you will gain a better-adjusted generation. As much as it pains you to watch the conflicts unfold, as in any relationship, the makeup is the best part! They do love each other, in their own way. Honor them individually!

Happy Parenting!