Establishing Family Traditions

When considering establishing family traditions, examine the essence you are trying to bring out for the long haul. What do you want your little ones to gain from these rituals? How will your values affect the child as they grow-up?

Our youngest (13) has recently admitted that she’s known about the lack of a Santa a few years now. We weren’t naive, we knew, but it was our last baby and hard to swallow the thought that Christmas would change forever. It is more fun to enjoy the looks of surprise on the little one’s faces throughout the holiday season, but now we can come clean about all the mishaps through the past celebrations and have a good laugh.

My older adult kids have already passed on the tradition of lying to their children about the kind man who delivers presents every year, but most of the grandkids are far too young for a permanent memory of the traditions. Two of the six grandchildren are old enough to have expectations every year and notice when one thing is out of place. Their parents will have to decide how they want to establish family traditions that will work best for them.

 We don’t regret all the choices we’ve made raising them to have certain beliefs, but there are a few customs we might have done differently. None of my children were angry at us for lying about Santa or the other fictional characters (fairy godmother, Easter bunny, etc.), but it’s difficult to top the magic that comes when a child believes something cosmic will happen while they are sleeping. They grew up around families that didn’t believe in the same customs and had questions throughout their childhood, but assured me that they preferred the myth. Somehow they felt the other families were missing out on particular wizardry.

Setting the Bar

Setting the bar too high can become a debacle, though. It’s important to think it through once the kids are old enough to remember. We tend to be very impulsive those first years with holidays and birthdays being a big deal, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to carefully plan the activities. Think back to when you can recollect your first memory; what do you see? How old are you? Do you recall snippets or a full event? According to research, the earliest we can remember is 3 1/2 years old, but the lifelong memories-the ones that really matter- are recollected from about age 6. So that gives you 3-5 years to decide the best way to celebrate an occasion. It’s ok to go all out in the early years because the munchkin won’t remember all the details, but if they look back in pictures, it may backfire. Asking why they don’t have as many presents or certain pomp.

With a myriad of traditions held in millions of households around the world, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is the right thing is for each family. Your upbringing will have a lot to do with the choices you make, but what if your partner grew up completely different? How will you combine your experiences and create the event to keep you both happy? If you grew up in a household that didn’t celebrate holidays or birthdays with any fanfare, then you have a blank slate to start with, use it wisely. The best part is that you can continually evolve with your children as you decide what is most important in your family.

Christmas Family Traditions

Since Christmas is around the corner, let’s look at some of the typical ways people establish family traditions during this time of year;

As you can see, these activities can be pricey and time-consuming, putting a lot of stress on the parents. None of these are “musts,” but it’s hard in a world of commercialism not to feel the pressure to do most or all of these shenanigans. Even throwing a birthday party can break the bank and mental capacity for some parents. Even though it is wrong to compare your family to others, kids and adults will do it anyway. Adding even more pressure to the overly exhausting celebrations. “Why did Susie put up her tree on Thanksgiving, or why is it 10′ tall, or look how many gifts they have, or why don’t we decorate the front of the house?”

Most children won’t remember every detail of every Christmas (or birthday), but they will remember how it felt around the holidays. What mood was in the air? How the house smelled? Were his parents fighting, stressed, happy, singing, or a grinch? They’ll possibly remember a favorite toy or activity they received or did for at least a few years. One thing is for sure; kids will have certain expectations each year. If you set up a tree every December 1, be prepared to continue that tradition. If each child opens ten presents on Christmas morning, don’t disappoint this year. It’s not that you can’t change your rituals, it’s more about what precedence we set and how we can make subtle changes without them noticing.

Traditions Must Go On

Those formidable years that memories formed will force parents into continuing those Christmas habits even when they aren’t up to the task. What if there was a death, divorce, illness, or job loss around this time of year? The children don’t understand and may not handle your mood or change in the plans very well, so the parents will continue the charade even though. Yes, parents tend to do that through most of adulting, but around a big celebration, like Christmas, children tend to believe in the magic that we’ve instilled. Therefore, Santa comes at all costs. For some, this becomes a financial nightmare. Imagine that you’ve been fortunate enough for 7 Christmas’ to make Christmas morning look like a dream with lots of presents, big beautiful tree, many lights, lots of activities, a perfect setting, and 2 in love parents, but on the eighth Christmas, you find yourself divorced. Or the primary breadwinner is unemployed? If Santa Claus were a tradition in your household, then the children will have no reason to think anything will change. Where then does the family get the money to afford the same extravaganza? Or how will the parents stay the course and not lose it?

Keep in mind that your 6-7-8-9-year-old is still young enough to miss specific little changes, for example, the cost of gifts, the elf on the shelf placement or particular dates for the rituals, etc. It’s the tween that becomes a more significant issue. They are quite astute and potentially have sought after the hidden gifts around the house based on a conversation with a friend about the validity of an old man that goes around the world in 24 hours to deliver gifts through a chimney to every good boy and girl. These children are torn between wanting to believe in the fable they’ve been taught and possibly angry that they’ve been duped all these years, as well as wanting to call the parents out on their lie and perhaps feel ready to admit that they are old enough to be let in on the secret. It’s a tough call as to when each child will concede, the acknowledgment of the farce. Most kids will continue as long as possible for the ultimate gains.

Christmas is only one BIG example of deception we raise children to believe. Fairy godmothers, Easter bunnies, big birthday parties, etc. I’m not suggesting that we don’t celebrate them or the holiday in question, but maybe we need to find better ways to do the experience. As children get older, they begin to put two and two together, understanding the hard work and sacrifice that went into these events by their parents. Some may still expect the hullaballoo, but very empathetic children may start even to feel guilty. They are torn again between the thoughts of a youngster and the maturing brain of a young adult.

New Traditions

My baby is already regretting her acknowledgment of the white-bearded, jolly fellow. There are no more illusions on this holiday. She will have to form her ideas of how Christmas will play out and learn to make the best of it. Perhaps when she is older and married with children of her own, she will find new traditions to pass on. Or continue the same make-believe. As parents, we will establish new family traditions.

So what can parents do to help defray the debacle that is set forth by such parodies? How can they offer a celebration without breaking the bank? Or without setting the bar too high? What traditions have you had to rearrange due to life events? How did your children handle the changes? Do you have any regrets?