Have you been unsuccessful at finding your parenting style? Are you concerned about the Best or Right way to parent your baby, child, or children? Are you struggling with discipline? Do you take a particular approach to mother or fathering and have a bad feeling? Do you force yourself to follow the parenting fad of the times (sleep training, time outs, cell phone rules, etc.)?
These questions and many more are a fact of life as parents. From hour to hour, day to day, and child to child, we are forever skeptical in our parenting decisions. At one time or another, we’ve challenged, argued & possibly defended many other parents, including our own to unravel the complex befuddlement that having children bring. Matter of fact, since the techno era, half our time is spent measuring parenting styles against most people on social media. While it is not recommended to compare yourself to others, this is the way the world works nowadays, and we must find ways to survive.
Handbook is Missing
Let’s face it; babies are not born with a handbook highlighting each phase of his or her life. We are “winging it” from the inception! If you’ve ever run a business or had employees, you know parenting is similar, except there are no HARD RULES! You can’t count on one day being the same as the next because children change (and quite frankly, so do parents). The only HARD FACT is to be flexible and to have a sense of humor. From early in infancy throughout adulthood, no period is stress-less, worry-less, or effortless. Although when you are in the “rough spots,” other phases look more appealing. See if these examples ring a bell:
- A new mom can’t wait for the newborn to get older so she can get more sleep.
- The toddler dad is longing for the time his 3-year-old doesn’t change her mind about food (or anything) every 5 minutes.
- The school-age family that struggles with a learning disability.
- The preteen that is always angry or in her room.
- The teen that is now driving or hanging out with a poor choice of friends.
- The young adult in college potentially making wrong choices.
- The adult child that is getting married or having a baby at a tender age.
- The adult leaving a good job or getting a divorce.
- Let’s not forget the threat of dealing with mental health or addiction problems in this generation.
Yes, some periods are calmer and gentler on the family, but as I mentioned before, parenthood is always evolving, and parents need to be on their toes 24/7.
All I Ever Need to Know
Sure, there are guidelines for parenting that involve morals and ethics, but everything else is a mixture of nature (genetics) and nurture (upbringing) with a dash of guesswork. Basically, if we break down Robert Fulghum’s “All I Ever Need to Know” and teach our kids with those lessons, then we’ve nailed it!
In basic psychology, parenting styles have been broken down into four main groups, with a lot of spawns. After extensive research, raising seven children and supporting families for 30 years, my theory is that we use all four styles in varied ways at different times with different children and various obstacles at one time or another. It’s not to suggest that everyone does or should; I’m merely pointing out that we are not perfect-EVER, which leaves us using a style that may or may not have been the best.
For instance, I was the pregnant first-time mom in McDonald’s on my lunch break watching another mom feed her kids, and I vowed that I “would never” let my kids eat fast food. Yes, I was stupid enough that I never made the connection I was ALREADY feeding my unborn baby this junk! Not to mention that I have succumbed to junk food with my kiddos many times since. Some excursions were strictly to unwind at the play place or ball pit because I needed a free distraction, but they usually weaseled a happy meal out of me anyway. Right or wrong, I don’t know. I know that we all had a better day when the kids were entertained, having fun, and worn out. Win-win!
Test Your Parenting Style
FOR FUN: See which style of parenting you think you are and guess again (shhhh don’t tell anyone)! Try asking someone else to read through and judge your technique. Then do it for another person. Don’t forget to share and exchange with your parents and partner as well. Make a promise NOT to let it cause an argument. Most likely, you will see yourself mainly in one category but keep an open mind for the other types.
AUTHORITATIVE-warm and responsive with clear rules, accepting, high expectations, positive discipline, earn respect (not demand), supportive, and values independence. Practices hugging, saying I love you, cheering and smiling but expects the child to toe the rope (so to speak).
UN-INVOLVED-neglectful, cold, unresponsive, make few demands on the child and can be indifferent. Ignores the child’s needs, wants, or presence in some cases. May not know what is going on in a child’s life with friends, school, dating, etc.
PERMISSIVE-has the least rules or demands, indulgent, high responsiveness, warm, and lenient. May allow the child to get away with wrongdoing at school or home. Tries to give everything he or she wants.
AUTHORITARIAN– Has high demands, low responsiveness, punishes harshly with little feedback, can be unresponsive, and expects blind obedience. Usually doesn’t listen to the child for his/her reason or argument, wants him to get it done.
We’ve all heard the new generation terms for parenting as well:
HELICOPTER– overly involved, smothering, hovering, lawnmower, constant interaction or interference, controlling, enmeshed, overprotecting, and over parenting.
INSTINCTIVE-old school method of using your gut, intuition, and personal style combined.
ATTACHMENT-strong emotional bond, the belief that children should be “attached” at the hip to feel secure enough to be independent someday.
TOUGH LOVE– primarily used for troubled, rebellious, or addicted teens or young adults but certainly can use at any time. These parents set firm limits consistently, allow children to face ALL problems with natural consequences, don’t control, love, but refuse to enable and take a stand when the child becomes unmanageable.
I’m quite sure these approaches and other compartments of a genre have been going on since the inception of a child. I’m not an expert and don’t feel comfortable enough to tell each one of you how to raise each one of your children under every situation. The bottom line is that if you use your moral compass to guide you while building your spawn, you will probably do just fine. On the other hand, if you are feeling out of your league and think you’d like to learn new strategies, consider a parenting class or one on one counseling. Parenting is the hardest, most rewarding, and confusing job you’ll ever have in life. Thankfully, children are resilient when carefully parented with love in those early years. There is no black and white in parenting; it’s all grey! You’ve got this!!