A Time for Reflection

My thirties were a time for reflection. Learning about oneself can be quite eye-opening. Follow my journey to understand all of me. Some parts are so ingrained it may take a complete remodel. Many good and bad things came to pass. It was the first time I experienced a close family member die (my husbands’ grandmother and I were very close). I also learned my mom and stepfather had cancer. It was also the first time I was not pregnant or nursing in 10 years. As well as the beginning of a new millennium, and I started to “find” myself. My thirties were the flowering of who I am. The child in me was finally growing up. Sort of!

Evolving

I stopped blaming my mother for my happiness and past; I was in the best shape ever, I ate the healthiest, had a large tribe of friends to share with and I was content in my style of parenting. Finding my way through my 20’s was busy and confusing at times, but my thirties were indeed a time of reflection. Seeing the world through adult eyes allowed me to practice alternative therapies, eat to live, homeschool my children, and attend births with many women. Everything in moderation, I assure you. We were just exploring outside the box. Finding our way in the world. The evolution of one’s soul is infinite, but this is a whole other story to tell!

Grew Apart

My business was busy; I was a core component to the birth and breastfeeding community, my kids were more self-sufficient, my eyes were wide open, and yet I was still lonely. My physical self was always full, but I was still missing a connection. With my husband. Mainly, I was a single mom in a married relationship. We loved each other, but as we “grew up,” we grew apart. He thought I was a “hippie,” and I felt he was married to a computer (in his defense, that’s what he does for a living). The wider my eyes became, the more crunch there was to me, and he and I weren’t seeing life on the same level anymore. Another time for reflection. My husband and I had been together a total of 13 years, married 11, when we decided to part ways. Our children were 5, 7, 10, 11 & my first was 14. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and I had been through hell before. Hell number 2 lasted a long time.

Parenting in a Time of Reflection

It was clear to anyone who knew me that my calling to motherhood was profound. Conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding were relatively easy, parenting came naturally, and I thrived at it. It’s hard to say “how” since I didn’t have any role models, but if you believe in a “destiny,” then this was surely it for me. I was certainly not perfect at it and had my ups and downs like any other mom, but my happy place was being a mother. Throw in a bitter divorce, and your core self is shaken. Protecting my children from the ugliness of a broken heart was indeed my new job 24/7. Guilt, blame, indiscretion, regret, remorse is all hideous to experience and witness. Even when you both agree to be amicable, there is bound to be unsightly baggage. Add another stressor on top, and you get a perfect storm.

A Low Blow to Reflect on

My mother got remarried after my 4th baby was born, and our relationship got stronger and stronger. We still had our differences, but we were in a much better place. Her husband didn’t have children, and he and my mom became an integral part of my children’s lives. So much so that shortly after baby number 5, they moved to Pennsylvania to be close to us. Unfortunately, it’s also the time that we found out both she and my stepdad had cancer. They were 51 and 54 at the time, had been married five years, and were enjoying a bit of traveling. It was a low blow for everyone since my stepdad only had six months to live. Incidentally, he lived for 18 months!

Self Preservation

This decade was rough but in a much more grown-up way. So many life-changing events were in extremes. Either very good and happy or horrible and sad. My stress level was at a new norm, and it just kept getting more intense. As you can imagine, I’m not a type-A personality, and I can roll with the punches of a life well. Still, the more I learned about myself, the harder the transition. It’s one thing to have self-preservation but an entirely different monster when you are helping your children and sick mother through rough times as well.

New Relationship

Around the same time, my stepfather died, I also formed another relationship. At first, we were friends who had a lot in common and reveled in a reciprocal relationship. It didn’t take long for us to bring our kinship to the romantic level and then kids and marriage. Finding out I was pregnant had brought about a mix of emotions. Don’t take that the wrong way, ALL my babies were always wanted, and a blessing. I couldn’t be happier on some level, but selfishly the timing was all wrong. I didn’t want to be the mother with three different baby daddies, nor was I entirely over my last marriage. Besides, I feared my older children would resent me, my new boyfriend, and or our children. Plus, I run a business and felt a sense of failing my community by setting a poor example. I was still trying to protect ALL my babies!

We made it through, and I entered My 40’s exhausted!